What If the Most Caring Act of Leadership Is Learning to Lead Yourself?

WHEN I started a business at 19, I knew next to nothing about leadership. The only thing I did know was that I wanted to put my people first, always. I was a servant leader through and through.

Being so others-focused was a huge strength. It helped me become a caring leader who was in tune with other people’s needs and who focused on making people feel valued. It helped me build a company and a culture that people loved being a part of. It filled me with a sense of purpose.

But years later, I would learn that this strength had a shadow side. In becoming so others-focused, I had become disconnected from myself. I’d taken servant leadership to the extreme, and now, I knew others’ needs better than I knew my own. I had strong, trusting relationships with my team and almost no relationship with myself.

That meant that in my worst and lowest moments, like when I was overworking myself and burning out, or when I felt let down by my team, my instinct was to put the blame externally. I became resentful, and I never once stopped to look at my own role in how I was feeling.

It wasn’t until I started working with an executive coach that I became aware of this pattern in myself. In one of our calls, we identified something he called a personal narrative. Narratives form in childhood, he told me, and most people have at least one, if not more. These narratives drive our behaviors and actions whether we’re aware of them or not, and they stay with us until we recognize that they’re there and attempt to rewrite them.

My coach helped me figure out that one of my narratives constantly told me that it’s my job to keep people happy. It came from my childhood, and everything I learned about how to be a leader who puts others first reinforced it. I learned that while it was helpful for me to have this narrative because it made me care about the happiness of other people, it also severely limited me.

I struggled to give honest feedback. In fact, I avoided giving it at all costs while telling myself I was caring for and protecting my team—but really, I was afraid of making them unhappy.

I never asked for help. I thought that supporting my team meant shouldering the burden on my own, even though it was burning me out and making me resent my job. In reality, I was afraid that if I added more work to people’s plates, it would make them resent their jobs and become unhappy.

I didn’t set boundaries or make necessary changes to evolve my career. I never considered my own needs or what would make me fulfilled because I thought that prioritizing myself would negatively affect other people and make me seem like an uncaring leader.

My fear of making others unhappy kept me miserable.

Uncovering my narrative and learning how to confront it changed everything for me. I learned that my job as a leader isn’t to keep people happy; it’s to be honest and supportive. I learned that I can be a leader who chooses myself, who asks for help, who has high expectations, and who has hard but necessary conversations and still be caring. And that actually, that way of leading makes me a more caring leader.

We all have narratives that drive our behaviors and limit us. The only way to change that is to courageously face ourselves, compassionately examine our patterns, and see ourselves and our actions clearly. In doing so, we not only expand our capacity to care for ourselves, but we also make room for others to step up.

I want to encourage you to look at the actions you take—or don’t take—as a leader. What do you tell yourself about why you do or don’t do these things? What are you afraid will happen if you do the opposite? What narrative do you want to guide you instead of the one you’ve been telling yourself?

And then, start small: Do one thing that feels uncomfortable. Switch up your default response. Set the boundary, ask for help, have the hard conversation. Each time, you’ll gather more evidence that the world doesn't fall apart when you choose yourself. And soon, you’ll see yourself become a better leader for you and everyone who’s depending on you.

To be a champion of human leadership, we must learn to lead ourselves well. And that starts with having the willingness and courage to see ourselves clearly.

* * *
Kristen Hadeed believes that authentic, human leadership can change the world. She helps leaders and teams around the world build cultures rooted in connection, courage, and humanity. Her work has been featured in Fast Company, Forbes, TIME, and NBC’s Today. She is the author of Permission to Screw Up, which has sold more than 50,000 copies worldwide, and Human Leadership, released in October 2026.

* * *
Follow us on Instagram and X for additional leadership and personal development ideas.

* * *

 

Posted by Michael McKinney at 11:10 AM
Permalink | Comments (0) | This post is about Personal Development